moving tomorow to chicago.  had a very weird christmas. 

be in touch in a few days.

but i ain't crying.  i'm just cleaning out my house, packing up my life as i move from louisiana to illinoise.  i keep seeing the little keepsakes and letters i've saved and each one is like a soul punch to my emotional memory gland and they all feel so heavy right now.  right now it's hard to let go of the life i've built here, even though i know i need to move on.  I feel as though i'm headed for the long dark night of the soul.

god, i'm so bi-polar.

my uncle is VP so he handed me a diploma. 

and the show happened too.  the big fire and brimstone event roast of me.  twas a whole lot of fun for most i think.  I have a video of my performance and i'm considering making and posting a transcript. 

i think i might have an abusive relationship with my audience, but the worse i treat them, the more they love me.  at least that's what i tell myself.  we abuse each other.  some would call us dysfunctional, and i must admit that at times it can be on and off again, but we love each other deep down.  Sometimes we just don't know what to do with all that passion.  I am sado-masochistic, just a little bit. 

but a good time was had by all.

from that came this

i made the latter from the idea of the former. 

finals start tomorow.  I'm graduating in a week and a half.  yikes.  General Studies with an emphasis in Performing Arts.  Now I move away.

To Chicago, for a moment (however long that is,) on a fact finding mission, hoping to observe, contribute and learn all about whatever happens to be going on up there.

And to get from warm space to warm space as quickly as possible. I must be crazy moving to chicago in december.  Right now it's 59 degrees outside.  TEE SHIRT weather.  I don't even know what the word cold means.  Chicago Wind is Cracking it's nuckles, "oh i'll teach you all about cold"

but it's ok, it's symbolically appropriate.  I'll be cold and fresh when i first get to chicago.  It'll probably take a few months just for me to figure out how to get my way around, and when the spring comes, I'll be making a little bit more sense of the universe, plants will be growing, aprils showering. you know..  spring.

i'm going to miss mardi gras, my first miss ever.  and it's gonna be such a weird mardi gras what with all the tragedy and all.  

hm, tangent.  well i'm leaving for chicago at the end of the month, i have a degree so all of my excuses for staying are used up.  As much as i love lafayette, i need to go check out a place with a scene, just to see what's going on. 

I'm even taking headshots.  wing and a prayer.

I'm gonna do a show before i go.  We are throwing a Goodbye Comedy show... December 15, at a place called artmosphere.  they are gonna roast me?  eek..  be like a family dinner

Tuesday night i tell cat jokes.  well, cat jokes and stories. 

1.  as someone who is shaping the environment.  Controlling the color and the lighting and the effects to create a specific something that you see in your own mind.  Like a classic darkroom photographer who knows exactly what kind of process she wants to run through the dark room to produce exactly what texture for her picture.  Like the electronic musician who forges his own waveforms to make the melody in his symphony. 

2.  as someone who being shaped by the environment.  someone who is looking at the elements of the world and using themselves as a filter.

3.  on second thought.  both of those kind of sound like the exact same thing.  i don't know what i'm talking about.

last night i was in some kind of a mood.  not exactly hostile but definitely confrontational. 

"hey do we have a problem?"

i don't think so... (laughing)  i'm tony

"i'm death, and i'll see you later"

really?  i thought you'd have a hood

"I don't give Hugs, I'm not like that"

a hood, a hood, you know, death? the grim reaper?

"Oh i'm death alright"

well, it's nice to meet you death.

this won't be public for long...

this was the letter i sent to my ex a little while ago..  the subject was something about 'FUCK OFF STINKING CUNT'

BEGIN TRANSMISSION................

here are your "Blown out of porportion" quotes"

"unless you want me to go into detail about waking up sick and throwing up and curti offering me a piece of methadone wafer and me not knowing better and things getting worse and lying on the floor shivering and crying thinking i might die from the pain......i
ever since you stopped by the lodge i can't get the thought of you out of my mind....i would really like to talk to you when i'm not at work or either of us is otherwise engaged....i really think that i'm this neurotic schizophrenic and i can't ever imagine how it is that we came to this point....but i dunno....i guess i would just feel better if we had the hours to address this kinda stuff.......you busy tonight? "


wah wah... i'm blowing this out of proportion. Go fuck yourself. you like this right? this is what you wanted form the begining. you wanted me to hate you. hooray. not like you give a fuck about anyone else but fuck you. hahahaha. yeah, i'm blowing this out of proportion. "shivering and crying and thinking i might die from the pain"

fuck you (name)

fuck you and your mixed signals. fuck you and your "i miss you"

you like this right?

you want me to hate you?

you want me to find that message too?

fuck you (name)

wah wah

i'm glad to be leaving (i love you)

i mean nothing right? just a blip on the map. just a moment on the radar. that's fine.

i hope you notice how you affect someone when you crawl on top and shudder "i love you" over and over again.

what the fuck do you care?

you have what you want;;

hooray for you?


well you sucked me in and spit me out like a bulemic moviestar bitch.

good job

i hope it feels great

czause for me it really sucks

you poisionous bitch

i only say this cause you drew me in and spat me out.

cunt

you thought i was mean before

fuck you

cunt

but good job

what the fuck do you care

not like i'm a real person

wah wah wah wah wah...

so now you have something to REALLY complain about.
---------------

Well i'll take whatever you got.